Sta.sh
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Basically I abused my powers as a moderator over at
by posting a somewhat personal Journal for the whole club to see. I was essentially asking if everyone there hated me or if they have forgotten I existed all together. It was something I was wondering for a long time, but I always prevented myself from straight-up asking about it because I knew that people are just busy with their own lives. It was nothing personal and I should have known better than to make anyone worry or feel guilty. (and if there's one thing I can't stand on dA, it's pity-party guilt-trip journals)So what exactly brought out this pathetic behavior of mine? (or what triggered it?)
Well as I mentioned before, I was sleep deprived so my head was in a fog XD But the other half was because I was depressed. Not because of my usual problems, but because I was feeling like a horrible friend.
See, it all started last night when I was catching up with one of my friends from high school on facebook. (I was only in high school like 2 years ago |D ) Things were going awesomely, but then she brought up something really bad that happened to her last Christmas. Apparently there was a fire on the 26th of December, 2010 and one of the houses that got wiped out was HERS. She and her family were alright, but they lost everything and even lost two beloved house pets
This is stuff I should have heard about as soon as it happened, like on the news, and then I should have checked to see if my friends were okay. But I didn't hear about it at all, (don't watch the news, herpderp) and nobody ever brought it up to me. Last night made me completely horrified at just how out-of-touch with reality I've become. (Even though I've always been like that)
That got me to remember just how little I stay in touch with all of my friends. Whether it's online, or people I used to know irl...I rarely check up on anyone.
When I was younger I couldn't be there for my friends because of my over-protective parents never having let me hangout with them outside school grounds, but now that I'm older (and have an internet connection), I honestly have no excuse.
The friends I made in middle school were people I'd take a bullet for if I had to- some I knew since elementary school, and some I can still find online. The friends I had in high school made my years there a little less miserable, but I never really appreciated their friendship until I actually graduated. Then there's State-tan Project, dA-peeps in general, and various Hetalia comms on livejournal...
All of these people are pretty much at my finger tips, but I never reach out to them. No matter what excuse I may have, I still feel like a terrible friend for not approaching anybody anymore. I've missed out on so much in their lives that I'm not even a part of their lives anymore. Just that one girl they know/used to know.
Even the peeps over at Chatalia ended up bonding super close while I was gone, so anyone I was actually close to probably doesn't care about me anymore, assuming they know who I even am in the first place.
I feel like I only matter to my irl-immediate family, and my long-time RP friends on MSN. Everyone else could do without me, no matter how attatched I am to them, I'll probably never be anything more than a casual friend, or an accquaintance- usually because I'm just an "online friend", or I'm not part of whatever circle (like Chatalia for example) they have.
Then there was that other thing- one of my other friends told me I was too "neutral", instead of "having people's back". I don't even know what he meant by that, but whatever it was, I'm sure he was right about that too.
TL;DR- I'm doing the whole "friendship" thing wrong, and I'm sorry about everything.
Mortified 
Sure, there's facebook and all that, but not everyone is on it or embraces it as much as "the younger folk". Some of my friends from highschool have added me (I never add anyone cuz I don't really think of it) but I don't actually talk to them. Some of them are friends I feel relatively close to, but not ones I feel like I could truly confide in. We had common interests in highschool, and we could talk and joke around, but I never hung around with them outside of the school setting. I feel bad that I don't try talking with them anymore, but some of them I think have "grown up" and that we might not hold the same interests. That and I don't know what to say to them at this time. It's even happened to some of my MSN friends, it seems like they moved on and I don't see them online anymore.
I don't think you should feel super bad about not knowing your friend's house burned down. You really can't watch your friends' every move and know all their going ons, because you're also living your own life, just like they are. Sure, that's something big, but it's also something that's hard to bring up to someone out of the blue, especially if you're just catching up with your friend. At the time it happened, they're probably more concerned with getting everything in order and picking themselves backup. If anything, they could've been afraid of bringing it up because then it might sound like "Hey I need help." Not that's it's bad to ask for help from family and friends, but I think you know what I mean.
That's pretty much how I imagine how all of my friends feel about me, though. I've NEVER been able to hang out with my friends outside a school setting because my parents were always that strict. (no matter how old I got...)
It's that kind of indifference that most people seem to have towards people like myself that makes me all the more paranoid that no matter how much I've let myself get attatched to someone, I'll never be as included in their lives (or as loved) because "I was just that person from school"
I know you're just trying to help, but that's how I feel ; n ;
If someone remembers you, doesn't that still mean something? No matter how you look at it, you affected their lives just like they affected yours. I mean hell, I still think those guys back in highschool are my friends. Even if I wasn't in their innermost circle (I actually think I was but they knew I didn't "go out") I was still their friend, and they were mine. Like you said, they made your school days less unbearable. Also, some people don't like discussing problems, or discussing their problems, that doesn't mean you guys aren't friends (or as good of friends). Sometimes you just need someone to bullshit with, to get your mind off of such problems.
Sure, you lose some friends, but some of them come back. Maybe some of the people you're thinking about are feeling the same way as you are right now. You can't blame yourself for not getting in touch or reaching out to people, because they're just as guilty. I'm not saying that blame should be shifted, but rather there should be no blame at all.
Besides, there's still time. Just because you didn't reach out back then doesn't mean you can't now, and the same goes for them. The Mayans were wrong (or was it the researchers who studied them?), we ain't all dead yet~
Because I haven't been as active on DA, I haven't been around a load of my DA friends in a while. I think I mostly just talk to TX and IL right now, and the rest are a bunch of my newer friends. ;m;
As you can see, I'm not the girl of the situation. OTL
I usually don't go on Chatalia because my computer slows up...I usually decide to pop up around the holidays regardless. -_-
Ya know, sometimes I've felt being myself too eccentric myself, even though I might be great friend to others. (-l-l-) But maybe I might try to learn from your experience that I better not go that far much, because maybe I might be left up like you did and feel sorry too. (-ii-);