If you guys didn't see my sudden out-burst over at STP, please ignore this journal for my sake >_>'
Basically I abused my powers as a moderator over at
by posting a somewhat personal Journal for the whole club to see. I was essentially asking if everyone there hated me or if they have forgotten I existed all together. It was something I was wondering for a long time, but I always prevented myself from straight-up asking about it because I knew
that people are just busy with their own lives. It was nothing personal and I should have known better than to make anyone worry or feel guilty. (and if there's one thing I can't stand on dA, it's pity-party guilt-trip journals)
So what exactly brought out this pathetic behavior of mine? (or what triggered it?)
Well as I mentioned before, I was sleep deprived so my head was in a fog XD But the other half was because I was depressed. Not because of my usual problems, but because I was feeling like a horrible friend.
See, it all started last night when I was catching up with one of my friends from high school on facebook. (I was only in high school like 2 years ago |D ) Things were going awesomely, but then she brought up something really bad that happened to her last Christmas. Apparently there was a fire on the 26th of December, 2010 and one of the houses that got wiped out was HERS. She and her family were alright, but they lost everything and even lost two beloved house pets
This is stuff I should have heard about as soon as it happened, like on the news, and then I should have checked to see if my friends were okay. But I didn't hear about it at all, (don't watch the news, herpderp) and nobody ever brought it up to me. Last night made me completely horrified at just how out-of-touch with reality I've become. (Even though I've always been like that)
That got me to remember just how little I stay in touch with all of my friends. Whether it's online, or people I used to know irl...I rarely check up on anyone.
When I was younger I couldn't be there for my friends because of my over-protective parents never having let me hangout with them outside school grounds, but now that I'm older (and have an internet connection), I honestly have no excuse.
The friends I made in middle school were people I'd take a bullet for if I had to- some I knew since elementary school, and some I can still find online. The friends I had in high school made my years there a little less miserable, but I never really appreciated their friendship until I actually graduated. Then there's State-tan Project, dA-peeps in general, and various Hetalia comms on livejournal...
All of these people are pretty much at my finger tips, but I never reach out to them. No matter what excuse I may have, I still feel like a terrible friend for not approaching anybody anymore. I've missed out on so much in their lives that I'm not even a part of their lives anymore. Just that one girl they know/used to know.
Even the peeps over at Chatalia ended up bonding super close while I was gone, so anyone I was actually close to probably doesn't care about me anymore, assuming they know who I even am in the first place.
I feel like I only matter to my irl-immediate family, and my long-time RP friends on MSN. Everyone else could do without me, no matter how attatched I am to them, I'll probably never be anything more than a casual friend, or an accquaintance- usually because I'm just an "online friend", or I'm not part of whatever circle (like Chatalia for example) they have.Then there was that other thing- one of my other friends told me I was too "neutral", instead of "having people's back". I don't even know what he meant by that, but whatever it was, I'm sure he was right about that too.
TL;DR- I'm doing the whole "friendship" thing wrong, and I'm sorry about everything.